Gracious in Defeat
by Ems-g
Summary: Rachel Berry would always be known as being a good loser. Even when she would rather run far away and never look back. Will this ever get her the answers she's wanted or will she be ever wondering why she lost? Journey, St Berry
1. Chapter 1

**AN Well, I know it's been awhile since I gave a story out to the hungry masses but I've finally settled down and have decided to write over the summer. I don't know if it'll be fan fiction or a try at a book but either way, know that I will try to publish something every now and again. This is a one shot but I might do a future chapter with them five years later or something if enough people want it. I warn you though, that it would take a while.**

**Any ways, about this story, well I remember _Journey_ and thinking that even if Rachel was dying inside, she would still act gracious in defeat. And Jesse is my favourite paining for Rachel and frankly, if he can pull off that shade of pink, he deserves a second chance.**

**Well, here we go, please leave a comment if I get anything wrong or if you like the story or if you hate it...Basically, _please_ leave me a review. Like Rachel said, "I need applause to _LIVE!" _Same for me, but I need reviews too!**

**PS I had a little help from the brilliant author****northstar61, who went over the story**** and pointed out some mistakes I made. I would like to say a thank you to them and recommend that you read their amazing story Someone to Love You. Well worth your while.**

**Love you all!**

That was it. Vocal Adrenaline had won again and New Directions had lost. Rachel knew that this could mean nothing good for the future of glee club. They had to place to stay on next year and this loss meant more than Vocal Adrenaline's win. This was her dream, destroyed by a derailment that sent her on to another path. A path she didn't want to be on.

Quinn, Noah and Mercedes were still at the hospital with Beth so they would have to be told. She knew the burden would fall to her. The club often used her to be the bearer of bad news.

Across the stage, Jesse, Shelby and the rest of Vocal Adrenaline were celebrating. As team leader, it was Rachel's job to appear gracious in defeat and congratulate the winning team on their win. What was the point of showing her sadness in public for others to use against her later. Smiling brightly, as if _she_ had been the one to place first and not Jesse, she stepped away from her team. Finn and Mr Schue looked at her in puzzlement; surely she wouldn't dare act a diva at this moment in time.

Walking proudly across the stage with her show face intact, she tapped Shelby on the shoulder. Shelby looked at her with a mixture of puzzlement and guilt. "Yes Rachel?" She sounded tired, as if the win had cost her all of her strength instead of giving her pride. "On behalf of New Directions, I would like to congratulate your team on its victory. The vocal work and choreography were superb and deserved the accolades." Shelby looked shocked that she could be gracious in defeat. After all, Shelby was her mother even if things didn't work out the way she wanted them to and Shelby had kicked Rachel to the curb. "Thank you Rachel. Would you like me to pass on your praise to Jesse?" Shelby looked uncomfortable talking to her only daughter and obviously wanted the conversation to come to an end. Rachel wasn't going to show any weakness though. "No, thank you. I shall tell him myself."

She left Shelby beside a cheering girl and walked over to where Jesse stood with the trophy. "Hello Jesse." His smile faltered for a moment but then it was back, as bright as hers. No one could say their show faces weren't perfect. "Hey Rachel. It's good to see you." Rachel nodded silently. She missed the way they used to be able to talk to each other, as if their minds were one. There was a wall between them now and she hated it. "You were amazing in that number Jesse. Although I never liked this particular shade of pink, you don't look hideous in it."

Jesse laughed, sounding natural and carefree. She concluded that it was due to his big win and not to her gentle teasing. "Yeah, Shelby really loves the vivid and tacky colours. I was half expecting the judges to mark us down based on the shock factor of men in pink." She smiled, this one not fake or forced. Jesse was the funniest guy she had ever known and his humour often was a cause of trouble during their dates. "Well if you were going to be marked down on the pink, we'd have to be too. I think Mr Schue liberated this fabric from the home ec stash from thirty years ago. I almost refused to go out in it." Jesse nodded at her dress. "It goes with your skin tone. I can't say that for the others but you looked beautiful in it."

Her cheeks flooded with red that had nothing to do with her blusher. "I'm glad you liked it but I think I'll be retiring this dress." She took a deep breath. "Well Jesse, I guess that's all I have to say. You really did that number justice. I almost felt emotion coming from the soulless automatons that are the rest of Vocal Adrenaline." Jesse looked at her, letting his show face slip for a minute. He looked at her as if she couldn't see something obvious. "What? Do I have something on my face?" She was fixing her hair when he leaned down quickly and kissed her softly.

A general quietness filled the stage as she stepped back in shock and glanced wildly around, seeing her angry teammates and his team, who looked both angry and sardonic. She quickly turned and ran off the stage, ignoring both Finn and Jesse calling for her. She could hear someone chasing after her and knew that they would catch her soon so she ran into her green room. Slamming the door shut, she paced the room, wanting to cry, scream and, if she was being totally honest, run back and kiss Jesse again. What was the matter with her! Finn _loved_ her! She'd gotten what she'd always wanted. Finn chose _her_ over Quinn.

_Then why_, a small voice in the back of her mind whispered, _do you want to be with Jesse? _No! It cannot be true. Jesse egged her and left her and broke her heart into a million pieces! He wasn't safe. _Love shouldn't be a safe option though, _the voice whispered again._ Love is about taking risks and falling for someone even if there is a safer option. _The door shook as a banging noise filled the room. "Rachel, please talk to me!" Jesse! "No! Jesse leave me alone!" The door knob rattled as Jesse obviously tried to open the door. "We need to talk. Please, just give me five minutes and then I promise to never bother you again."

Rachel stood still. Did she want to hear his explanations? Did she want to listen to his excuses? Or did she just want to open the door and let him make her forget about eggs and Queen and bad music videos? She went to the door and opened it slowly. Jesse's face looked worried and excited at the same time. He stepped in after she left the door open for him. She sat down on the couch and wrapped her arms around her knees. He sat kneeling on the ground beside her.

"I'm so sorry Rachel. I know that I have destroyed any and all faith you had in me but I need you to know I'm sorry. I wanted to just talk to you before the egging but the team refused to let me speak to you. They said speaking to you would get me excluded from the club and I needed the national win. I applied to NYADA and Juilliard and they wanted Jesse St James, star of Vocal Adrenaline not Jesse St James, three time winner and then loser at regionals. So I made a choice that would end up being the most stupid thing I have ever done in my life."

Rachel turned her tear streaked face to him and snarled, "Why _did _you then? Was I not _pretty_ enough? Or was my mother angry that you were dating the daughter she _abandoned_?" Jesse looked away from her eyes in shame. "I was afraid. I was falling for you, hard, and yet all I saw you doing was heading the 'I heart Finn' fan club and I got scared. If I gave up everything for you and you chose him, then I would have to live with my regrets for my future forever. So I chose my career." Rachel bit her lip. She had been broken up over Finn while she was dating Jesse but she thought she was able to give her heart to Jesse fully. She understood the dilemma of whether or not to choose career or love and didn't hate him for that decision.

"But why didn't you just_ tell _me that you were afraid for your career? I would have understood. You deserve to be on Broadway and I could _never _step in the way of that. I just wanted a break up that didn't involve our teams witnessing my heart being broken." Jesse's eyebrows shot up. "You would have been okay with me leaving McKinley and letting Finn flirt with you every minute of the day, while I joined a team that discouraged relationships. Your team _hates _me and I didn't want you to have to deal with them hating the guy you were dating. They treated you better after we broke up, didn't they?"

Rachel couldn't deny that everyone _had_ being kinder to her since they broke up. They all felt bad that they had been right as, even though a lot of them didn't like her very much, heartbreak was a universal pain. "I would have been leaving to go to college next year anyway. You're a_ sophomore_! How would your dads feel about you dating a _college_ guy? And the people at your school would give you so much grief about it and I couldn't even stop it because NYADA is in New York and I would have too much homework to be of any real help. We'd grow apart and it would hurt too much when I'd come back and see you for holidays. You're too good to give up your high school years for a relationship that statistically wouldn't last. And I was afraid that Hudson would convince you to fall in love with him again while I was gone. I was scared, Rachel."

Rachel didn't know why she did it but she found herself leaning in and wrapping her arms around Jesse's neck. "Just shut up and kiss me." The kiss was sweet but it soon became filled with the lost passion they had missed out on in the last few weeks.

Ten minutes later when half of New Directions walked in, Jesse was on top of Rachel with his shirt unbuttoned and her hair in disarray. Kurt's shout of "Oh sweet Gucci!" alerted them to the presence of most of their teams and Rachel's mother. They sprang apart quickly. Rachel fixing her hair while Jesse buttoned his pink shirt. "We can explain?" Rachel sounded unsure but Jesse's glowing smile of victory said everything that needed to be said. Tina, who had helped Kurt to make the costumes, said, "That dress better not be ripped St James," but Rachel could tell she meant it in jest. Shelby sighed while she rubbed her face with the palm of her hand. "I'm too young to have a kid with hormones." Turning to Jesse, she spoke in a tone that meant business. "Jesse, if I hear she's pregnant, I will _personally_ buy her dads the shotgun that will be used in your murder trial."

Jesse blanched a little but managed to slip in a quick word, "Mind giving us some privacy? We're having a bit of a reunion here." He then leaned down and started kissing her again while he closed the door on their teammates' faces. She would pay for this later but right now, reunion was too sweet to ignore.


	2. Chapter 2

**I decided to do some little snippets for the future of our St Berry. Hope you enjoy!**

**Basically this is a random moment in the St Berry life since Regionals and is a little one shot within a series. Hope you like it. **

Five minutes. Ten. Fifteen. New Directions had been waiting for everyone to arrive for the dress rehearsal of their new number, Between Two Lungs, by Florence and the Machine and everyone had arrived. Everyone, that is, apart from Rachel Berry. Everyone had arrived fifteen minutes ago but Rachel had yet to turn up. Mercedes turned to Quinn. "Did you see her after getting changed?" Quinn nodded. "She definitely was dressed, and she left before me." Turning to Mr Schue, she asked, "Should we go and look for her? Rachel is never late for a rehearsal." He nodded at the girls who left quickly.

Santana took charge. "Look, Brits and me will go look with Quinn and Tina and Mercedes will look in the changing rooms. We'll take classrooms." Nodding briskly, the five girls split up and began their search for Rachel Berry. Brittany held Santana's hand and swung it between them as the three girls walked down the corridor. "Rachel? You in there?" Quinn had taken to calling out for Rachel before they entered the rooms. Santana, on the other hand, shoved open the doors and glanced around briefly for the short girl.

Almost ten minutes had passed and the three girls had yet to see the little diva. "Maybe she went home? She looked really sad today in Math." Brittany had stopped the trio in the middle of the hallway. Santana snorted, loudly. "As if. Berry wouldn't give up a performance. She's one of the leads. She wouldn't be sick for a rehearsal. Let's check the choir room. She might have gone looking for some Broadway crap for us to sing next week."

Quinn, ignoring Santana's mean remarks about Broadway, started towards the choir room. Broadway had some good songs she had discovered. And although it wasn't her usual music, she had some soundtracks on her iPod that she found herself listening to on occasion. She reached the choir room and opened the door gently. What she had found though, made her stop in her tracks. She gasped quietly and felt, rather than heard, Santana and Brittany coming up behind her.

Santana's smirk could be heard in her voice. "Looks like St. Berry isn't so Saintly after all." Rachel, who had been passionately kissing Jesse St James on the piano bench gasped loudly. "This isn't what it looks like." She protested, even as she put back on the bodice of her dress, which had gathered around her waist. Jesse, on the other hand, grinned widely and smiled at the three cheerleaders. "Hello ladies. Lovely to see you all again."

Brittany, who had been silent until now, turned to Santana. "Were they making a St Berry baby?" Santana laughed. "Not yet but I'm guessing Berry was close to letting him make one." Rachel blushed even more violently. "I was not about to have sex on a piano in the choir room, thank you very much Santana. Jesse just came back from UCLA for Winter Break. They get off a few weeks earlier that us and he surprised me. We were not about to make love." Quinn shook her head. "You forget, I was pregnant. I know how it happens and you two were very very close to making another Baby gate."

Rachel, who now looked a lot less flustered thanks to having her hair pulled back and her dress back on, scowled at Quinn. "Can I just go fix my hair and get back to rehearsals?" Santana rolled her eyes. "Fine Man Hands, but you are so not hearing the end of this." Turning, she left the room with Brittany following obediently behind her. Quinn turned to the only male in the room. "You might as well head down to the auditorium and get a seat. Rachel will be down in five minutes."

Jesse smirked and lent down and gave Rachel one last kiss before he brushed past Quinn on his way out of the door. Quinn turned to the blushing girl. "Come on. I'll fix your hair while you do make up. We'll be done faster that way." Rachel followed Quinn to the locker room and got out her pink make up back and curler. Quinn was thankful it was still warm as she fixed the tangled hair. "You two really need to pick better moments. We were waiting forever for you to turn up." Rachel, who although applying blusher, was blushing slightly. "I didn't plan on him turning up. He just sort of did. And I guess we lost track of time." Quinn, twisting a section of the brunettes hair in the curler, smirked dryly. "I could see that. Ten more minutes and you'd have lost more that time. I was worried Tina would find out what you did to her costume."

Rachel,who was now looking a lot less flustered, rolled her eyes. "The costume's fine. I don't let Jesse rip my clothes off every time I see him, you know?" Quinn, who had just finished the last curl, laughed. "The last time we found you two alone in a room didn't suggest that. I recall you two being very friendly at regionals." Unplugging the curler, she shoved Rachel slightly. "Come on, we're late." The two girls walked swiftly to the rest of the group.

Ignoring Mr Schue, Rachel took her position on stage and listened to Tina's soft vocalising before she began. Turning she sang clearly,

"**Between two lungs it was released  
The breath that carried me  
The sigh that blew me forward" **

The choreography was simple yet beautiful, with Mike being her partner for a change. His dancing didn't take from the beauty of the words but added to it. He twirled her gently and passed her to Sam, who caught her in his arms.

Tina joined in with Rachel, their voices joining to create a powerful blend of softness and power. The two girls seemed to be singing to each other as the chorus took over.  
**'Cause it was trapped****  
****Trapped between two lungs****  
****It was trapped between two lungs****  
****It was trapped between two lungs**

The two of them sang out in stillness as the rest of New Directions ghosted from the background and broke off into two groups. Each was a mirror of the other, but as one danced, the other responded. They were in sync, each move coming as natural as breath entering the lungs.

Rachel felt her arms being grasped by the two boys.

**And my running feet could fly** She 'ran' as she 'flew' through the air.

**Each breath screaming**

Her face turned to the rest of the girls, being dipped as if they had fallen into death's waiting hands.**"We are all too young to die"******

Tina came beside her and the two girls moved as if one mind. Their actions mirrored the others and as one shrunk, the other expanded. **  
****Between two lungs it was released****  
****The breath that passed from you to me**

In the background, the girls had begun to move back and forth with their partners. A 'give and take' motion happening as Rachel and Tina sang.**  
****That flew between us as we slept****  
****That slipped from your mouth into mine it crept**

**Rachel was passed to Mike and he led her in a simple three step dance. She sang directly to his face and she poured emotion from her voice into her face.****  
****Between two lungs it was released  
The breath that passed from you to me**

He dipped her suddenly and raised her slowly, her body getting bigger with each passing second.**  
That flew between us as we slept  
That slipped from your mouth into mine it crept**

She was raised almost all of the way and as she reached her normal standing position, her voice exploded from her. **  
'Cause it was trapped  
Trapped between two lungs  
It was trapped between two lungs  
**She and Mike broke off from dancing and she stood centre stage and sang to the almost empty auditorium with all of her might.**  
Gone are all the days of begging  
The days of theft  
No more gasping for a breath**

Her arms raised up, along a current of air passing through her body. Her hair ruffled in the slight breeze in the room and her voice sang out, clear and triumphant.**  
The air filled me head to toe  
And I can see the ground far below**

Her hands game to her chest and grasped together, holding onto something.**  
I have this breathe and I hold it tight  
And I keep it in my chest with all my might  
I pray to god this breath will last  
As it pushes past my lips as I...**

Her hands shot out and she sang, this time not only with Tina.**  
Gasp **Half of the girls sang from the right of the stage.

**Gasp **The others sang from the left, Tina among them.

**Gasp** Rachel sang alone for the last note, the music fell silent as the only sound in the room was her clear voice ringing through the room.

The final notes of the song ended as Rachel stood alone on the centre stage, breathing heavily under the lights of the stage. Mr Schue stood to clap but was beaten to it by an enthusiastic clapping coming from a few rows behind him. Rachel jumped lightly off of the stage and ran into Jesse's arms. Mr Schue cleared his throat. "Okay guys, that was really good. I think that it should definitely be a contender for regionals this year. Get changed and we'll meet up again the next day." He turned to Jesse before he left. "Good to see you again, Jesse." Jesse nodded to the older man as he left the room quickly.

Mercedes came to stand beside Rachel and crossed her arms. "No wonder you were late. St Boyfriend came by for a visit and you had to see him before rehearsals." Brittany nodded her head and tried to whisper, but really spoke in her usual way. "I think they were trying to make a St Berry baby and San said I was right." Mercedes whipped her head back to face Rachel again. "Oh Hell No! No more baby drama. I'm out! Later!" Mercedes and Kurt left, along with the majority of the club.

Quinn smiled at Rachel before she left and Puck once again threatened Jesse if her hurt Rachel. Finn tried to go up to Rachel and convince her to come back to him, again, but Mike and Sam dragged him out before he got the chance. Alone in the room, Rachel turned to Jesse. "So," she smiled at him as she walked backwards towards the exit, "my dads aren't home. Want to try and finish what we started in the choir room?"

Rachel had gotten a head start as Jesse stood shell shocked in place for a full minute before he gave chase. "You little minx! Oh, I love you!" Laughing the two of them ran towards his car and drove back to her house. Where they proceeded to watch musicals and make out on the couch until her dads got home. He respected her enough to wait until she said yes. Not that a lot of making out didn't occur in the time until then, but he waited. And they had epic romance. Just like he promised.

**AN**

**Okay, well I really just love that song and I kept thinking up choreography for it. Rachel is my favourite character so of course she'll be singing it. Tina would be suited to the beginning of the song so I added her into it. I want to keep this story up and maybe do a few more. Nothing like a full on story but something to compete with the ENDLESS Finchel that is on the show and in fanfiction. I hope that I don't portray Finn to badly for those who like him but I just cannot stand him so forgive me! In my heart, I'm St Berry for life. Please review as I love hearing what you think about my writing and the story itself. Reviews are like cookies to me, give me one and I want five more! **


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